Fuck War: An Antidote for Endless Violence

We see where tit-for-tat gets us. Yet there is something in most of us that justifies revenge. As I feel disgust towards world leaders for their endless war-mongering, I look to my own life for where I feel vengeance and how I can reduce perpetuating violence. It always comes down to being with the pain I feel. To strike back alleviates some of that pain, or so it seems. I may get hurt even more, and so goes the cycle.

I remember reading an article by a psychologist about revenge (haven’t been able to find it since), how it helps us heal from abuse, especially. Her caveat was to never strike back in as damaging a way, so as not to escalate. Seems reasonable. But it’s a tricky formula because we never know that the other will abide the same formula.

My first strategy is to express myself, not to veil my emotion in hurtful acts. If we all expressed our feelings when wronged, hurt, betrayed, violated, how much physical violence could be prevented? Hand-in-hand is the capacity to make amends, to apologize, engage reparation. Both expressing hurt and making/ receiving amends are crucial to resolve conflict and heal the hurt that fuel war.

How readily are you able to express your tough feelings? How easily are you able to say “I’m sorry” when you have, even inadvertently, hurt someone? If you are blocked with either, I invite you to work on it — especially if you like peace, especially if you detest war and killing innocent others, before you criticize anyone else for making war. For what it’s worth, shame and low self-worth, I have found, block the capacity to do both.

If world leaders expressed their pain responsibly and non-violently, I imagine our world would be a different place. But it’s so much easier, and acceptable, to go to battle. Or so it seems. In reality, it’s always harder.

It’s no wonder that expressing tough feelings is largely taboo and criticized in mainstream culture. Equally, it’s no wonder that there is so much physical violence. We need to use our words and open hearts more, responsibly and skillfully.

Feeling and expressing rage, grief, and fear are primary for mitigating the physical manifestations of not doing so. We, our loved ones, and the planet bear the brunt of our unexpressed hurt and trauma. This is the thesis for my book on the climate crisis, a deep dive into building the emotional intelligence to save everything. Repression violates our very selves and displacing onto others violates them.

So, if you want to change the status quo, share and work through the feelings that cause such harm — that literally threaten to destroy the world. Be a living example, which takes courage and vulnerability, and the risk of being hurt more by those who see it as a weakness and invitation to attack. Perhaps begin by being selective and opening your heart to those who seem they would receive it well, maybe even offer amends. Maybe have a conversation about your intent to create peace by working through the conflict, as an act of love.

Normalize sharing hard feelings and creating the time for tough discussions. When we realize how crucial it is for a better world, to avoid so much war, we embrace the values of peace and thriving. We become a radical, brave part of the solution.